Stages of Grief in Relation to a Divorce

After a divorce, the range of emotions experienced can be overwhelming and confusing.   Although the Five Stages of Grief is most often associated with those who have experienced the death of a loved one, the impact and tragedy of divorce often brings us through the different stages of grief, as described below:

Denial and Isolation
Sometimes, a first reaction is to simply deny the loss…unbelief or refusal to believe. This stage may last a few moments or longer and may cause one to withdraw from others, especially when the impending loss is obvious (e.g. signs of an affair) We can work it out. This really is not happening. He is only doing this because… (Mid-life crisis, wrong friends, etc.)…

Anger
After a loss, the grief becomes anger.  The grieving person will be angry for various reasons:  angry at the person who caused the loss, angry at God for allowing the loss to happen, angry at the world, angry at the circumstances or angry at self for letting the loss occur…even if, realistically, there was nothing that could have been done to prevent the loss.  This is not fair! What did I do wrong?

Bargaining/Pleading
The grieving person will attempt to bargain with God or the other individual involved in order to attempt to prevent the loss from happening.  If you come back, I will change and do this or that.  God, if you prevent this, I promise I will never do/always do…. (E.g. keep the house cleaner, stop spending money, be better in the bedroom, etc.).

Depression
This stage can also be referred to the zombie state or the daze phase.  Numbness will set in and it becomes difficult to function properly.   I cannot go on.  This is more than I can bear.  I have no idea what to do.  I feel nothing.

Acceptance
Eventually, the anger, sadness and mourning taper off and the grieving individual simply accepts the reality of the loss.   The loss has been accepted and the fact that life must continue becomes a realization.  Nothing I do or say can change the circumstances.

Remember, everyone must go through these stages at an individual pace and the stages do not necessarily have to occur in this order and stages may be repeated.  There is no “set” timetable for each stage…and, some stages may be repeated. One thing to be mindful of is the awareness of being “stuck” too long in one stage.  When this occurs, professional help should be sought as soon as possible.

Although there is no “magic formula” for working through the various stages of grief, one should always allow time for grieving.  Utilizing support groups (divorce, grief related…both virtual and real-life), licensed counselors, therapy such as journaling, and medical personnel trained to deal with depression and pastoral support are many methods available to assist someone traveling down the road of grief after a divorce.

©2010 PFDRM  All rights reserved